Play by play

FT: Brazil 1 – 7 Germany || What just happened? The last time Brazil conceded 7 times was in 1934. Now we can update that statistic. So that’s a positive. Otherwise, that was an absolute dismantling by the Germans. And it isn’t exactly a shocker. Throughout the tournament, Brazil have been in a few exciting games that people would describe as “games that had everything.” That’s great for the viewing public because those types of games are often barn burners. They’re non-stop action on performance enhancing drugs. But what Brazil wasn’t doing was playing a sustainable game. They lacked focus and discipline consistently, and used their abundance of energy recklessly throughout their defense and midfield. Eventually, they were punished and tears flowed freely from Brazilian fans in Belo Horizonte. That’s not to take anything away from the Germans. Without question, the better team won. There’s still a possibility of a European team winning in Brazil. That runs contrary to the stat trotted out so often prior to the tournament about no European team having won the World Cup in South America. That’s why I dislike most sports stats. What that stat doesn’t tell you is that there have been four World Cups in South America, in 1978, 1962, 1950, and 1930. That stat, especially without more, has nothing to do with this German team’s ability to win the World Cup. They’re definitely capable based on their portfolio in Brazil. Now I must rest my fingers. Thanks for joining. Come back tomorrow for Netherlands-Argentina, and give @soccergods a follow on Twitter. We got jokes and things. And a nightly soccer show on the TV tube box. I know, fabulous. Later, gang. I’ll leave you with a picture of a sad child.

The comeback is on! Oscar, who has actually been decent, collects a long ball and then toys with Boateng before finishing past Neuer. 7-1. Sigh.

Here’s the good news: if Brazil had gone through, they would have had a chance to lose to Argentina in Brazil in a final. Now, they can only lose to Argentina in Brazil in the third place game. Minor victories, folks. The balance of South America is safe. Safe-ish.

Sorry. No words. Speechless.

But that mustache is probably the best thing Brazil have done all day.

So many amazing faces in this picture. Hands on faces, boredom, sadness, etc. Enjoy yourself.

7-0. I can’t process this beating anymore. I still believe that Muller needs to be yanked. Nevertheless, while I’m thinking about how he needs to go, he plays a lovely ball to Andre Schurrle whose first touch is just as lovely. Upon receiving the ball on the left side of the box, he unleashes a shot that beats Cesar high and to the near post. Wow.

Tom Muller is getting worked up maybe not because of nothing. He goes into a tackle with David Luiz showing his studs. No card is shown but he needed one. He needs to be taken off before he does something stupid.

Prophetic, no? Brazil’s slogan on their team bus was “Brace Yourself; The 6th is Coming.” How right they were. Sadly, it wasn’t a trophy.

Andre Schurrle taps in a simple cross from the right—courtesy of Phil Lahm—and that’s 6-0 for Germany. Wonderful marking. I’m just kidding. Abysmal marking. This is shameful stuff from Brazil.

Dante picks up a yellow. Because he needs match stats, I suppose.

Too soon.


Algeria not looking back now, am I right?

Colombia fans are fully behind the destruction of Brazil.

Miroslav Klose, the top scorer in FIFA World Cup history, has come off. That’s noteworthy, especially since he became the top goal scorer today, in the first half. But keep your eye on Toni Kroos. He could break that record today if Brazil revert to their first half form. 

Neuer the Sweeper-Keeper is at it again. It’s Oscar again causing the trouble. His shot is snuffed out by Neuer. Brazil are now all over Germany. Neuer’s being a little selfish, though, right? You’d think he’d let Brazil have one for being a good host.

Greatest comeback of all time is on hold. Brazil push forward. A low cross comes in from the right but Neuer gobbles it up before it hits Oscar’s feet. Oscar would have put that in.

Here’s a video of people migrating from Brazil to Uruguay. Just kidding, they’re just fans leaving Copacabana Beach because, well, it’s 5-0.

Shame. Everyone’s getting in on the sadness parade.

They’re going to give Belo Horizonte to Argentina. How else do you erase this from Brazilian history? Brazil are now knocking it around patiently. That’s hilarious. Maybe they should have tried that at the beginning before going all American Gladiators on the game.

The second half has started and I’d rather build conspiracy theories about match fixing. Greatest comeback ever on the way, folks.

5 Goals; 1 Vine. If your heart can’t take clicking five times. Here are all the first half goals in Vine form.

I am convinced that this woman is the same one in the picture below. What a difference 45 minutes can make. Her hair was a lovely shade of yellow before kickoff. 

These two are definitely divorced right now. It always starts out like this. And then the carnage happens.

HT: Brazil 0 – 5 Germany || You didn’t read that wrong. If somehow you missed the five green goal blocks and the trail of people crying earlier in the live blog, we’re going to have to start opening the phone lines for therapy. It’s a damn tragedy in Belo Horizonte if you’re a Brazilian. I don’t know if Neymar’s presence prevents this from happening, although it’ll definitely be spun like that. It’s the lack of discipline in midfield and the back that’s been the end of Brazil, not a lack of thrust up top. Get it together, Brazil. This is not a good look.

I didn’t expect this live blog to turn into a montage of tears.

Oh my, this is so wrong. Does that cover my back if there’s a backlash?

I mean, what’s there to say? It’s a World Cup semi-final between Germany and Brazil. It isn’t even halftime and it’s 5-0. Do you want tactical analysis? Because, frankly, it isn’t even worth it. If you stroll back to the beginning of the blog, you’ll note that the pace of the game was CHAOS. A disciplined team at the back can live with CHAOS, especially in midfield. Brazil have been questionable at the back the entire tournament. David Luiz, their captain, is very entertaining to watch as he bombs forward, but he’s a reckless defender partially because of that. All of this has been exposed by a quality Germany side. Germany made Brazilian kids cry. In the first half. That’s how bad this is.

And honestly: what can Scolari do now? Try and go after the almost impossible and risk an even worse debacle? Honest question.

Spiraling out of control in Brazil?

It is so real out there.

I think this is called “banho de humildade”

REWIND: Kroos again. 4-0. This is a catastrophe.

REWIND: Kroos goal. 3-0. Make it stop.

REWIND: Klose’s goal. 2-0.

I mean what are we to do? Can’t the United Nations step in and send in a peacekeeping force? 5-0. Khedira. People are leaving the stadium.

4-0. This is unbelievable. How can a human live blog This? Germany is scoring at a a world record pace. It’s Kroos again. There can’t be a way back from this for Brazil. This is soul crushing. For Brazilians, of course.

3-0. Toni Kroos strokes the ball from the outside of the box, on the left, and it beats Cesar at the near post. OH. MY. GOODNESS.

There are hardly words to explain what we are witnessing.

Yikes. Game not even Klose anymore. See what I did there? Germany, the new Spain, with a little tiki-taka in the box that ends with goal scorer extraordinaire Miroslav Klose tapping past Cesar. 2-0 Brazil.

This is truly a high risk game for Brazil right now. If Germany manages to get one ball past those defensive midfielders…

She needs to keep this tweet and use it as evidence at the inevitable hearing.

Do you, Marcelo. Do you, man. Marcelo takes off down the left flank and breaks into the box with a step on Phil Lahm. Lahm gets down beautifully, getting all ball. But, remember, we’re talking Marcelo, here. He does his best Robben impersonation, diving for a penalty and then gets furious when the whistle isn’t blown. Referee Marco Rodríguez has to give Marcelo a talking to after he pushes the much larger Boateng. He’ll never learn, Marcelo, will he?

Everyone should keep in mind that a German win prevents a Brazil-Argentina final. Imagine if Argentina beat Brazil, in Brazil, in a World Cup final. Soccer would retire. As it stands, that will not happen. Then again, this game will get crazier, especially now that Brazil are down a goal. 

This is how you construct a proper, timely joke.

And now Brazil will have to -gasp- play some real football, some real attacking football. And that makes the perfect match for Germany’s counterattacking prowess.

WOMP WOMP. It’s a corner for Brazil taken by Toni Kroos. Luiz looks to have lost his mark on Tom Muller and Muller scores the easiest goal of his life, tapping the ball past a helpless Julio Cesar. It’s 1-0 Germany!

Sami Khedira gets a shot off at the top of the Brazil box that looks do deflect off of Oscar’s hand. The ref allows play to continue. This game has David Luiz energy.

The atmosphere is as you’d expect. It’s kind of goosebump-y and has the same tenor as previous Brazil games—HECTIC. The feel is kind of like the beginning of the Brazil-Colombia game. People are just bombing up and down the field as if they’ve never heard of positional discipline. This probably won’t be the most tactical of games, but is has the feel of a very entertaining game.

Brazil clearly running on pure adrenaline. That makes them highly dangerous…for the first 15 minutes. Germany will need to weather the storm. The match will find balance after the 15 minute mark

Shockingly, Brazil seem to have more fans than Germany.

Sea of yellow. Semi Final 1 – Brazil vs Germany. Belo Horizonte

A photo posted by Aman Khan (@crazydervish) on

You should know that this is Luiz Gustavo’s look. He has strong hair lip. Strong hair game, too.

Brazil get a corner early on. Nothing comes of it, but the early play is all in the German half. The sea of yellow around the stadium is quite … well, yellow. #analysis


A classic European-South American battle.

Neymar’s absence is weighing heavily on the Brazil team. But they’re doing this for him, as you’d expect. And the rest of the Brazilians too, of course.

It’s hard to overstate how important it will be for Marco Rodriguez to be decisive and brave. No one benefits from a match with 80 fouls with no consequence.

Here’s a Bernard primer. Bernard has “joy in his legs” – Big Phil

For the German anthem, we’re back to Milli Vanilli with “Girl You Know It’s True.” This song speaks to Germany’s trickery, diversity, and, girl, we are about to find out if it (Germany) is true. Deep thoughts, guys.

You should really listen to Brazil and their fans sing the national anthem. Because it’s electric. Nevertheless, I’m sticking with the replacement anthems. For Brazil, I’m going with a classic sound. It’s soothing in a way that resembles nothing in the stadium, except possibly what’s going on in David Luiz’s head. Here’s Tom Jobim & Elis Regina with “Aguas de Março.”

As you’ll note, we have León Krauze joining the live blog. I’m excited about that. You note that León’s avatar is different than mine. That’s how you’ll distinguish between us. If you have further questions, I’ll see if I can find a 1-800 number.

I am so looking forward to this match. If Marco Rodriguez manages to stop Brazil’s tendency to interrupt the game, this should be the match of the tournament.

If you still aren’t up on the basics of Brazil, I’m not here to shame you. I’m here to help. So here’s your Brazil in one minute. Your obrigados are welcome.

And Germany. Your dankes are also appreciated.

“Referees have been crazy lenient” has been a recurring theme during this World Cup. Reckless challenges have gone unpunished, players have been knocked out of the tournament, and others have been ruthlessly bludgeoned while attempting to play soccer. Brazil have been accused, at times, of partaking in this kind of thuggery, most recently against Colombia in the quarter-finals. Although they aren’t the only ones, of course. The man who will try to make sure that trend continues is Mexico’s Marco Rodríguez—the man who was in charge of blowing the whistle when one Luis Suarez chose to dine of Giorgio Chiellini on June 24.

Germany starts the exact same XI that started against France. Because they can. They’re one of the teams in Brazil who have been able to stay healthy. None of their stars are out due to suspension or injury. That’s a huge boost. But Brazil, in theory, with a home crowd behind them should offer a much more robust test than France did on Friday. Frankly, France was kind of embarrassing and offered nothing going forward. Even without Neymar, I don’t expect the same kind of flaccid performance from Brazil.

The lineups are already out so let’s get right to the business. You know by now that, due to Juan Zúñiga’s knee, Neymar is out for the remainder of the World Cup with a broken back. Thiago Silva, Brazil’s captain, is also out, but only for this game, due to his vast collection of yellow cards. Shakhtar Donetsk’s Bernard comes in to replace Neymar. He’s quite good. And Bayern Munich’s Dante comes in for Thiago Silva. Thiago Silva will be missed, but, for me, there are much, much worse stand-in center backs than Dante, who looks like Michael Jackson. Early Michael Jackson.

Dear Person Reading This: I missed you, too! After 80,000 soccer games and a brief hiatus for caipirinha rehydration treatment sessions, we’re back. The soccering is back. IT’S SEMI-FINAL TIME! *insert dramatic sound effect* The first semi-final pits host nation Brazil against Germany, Spain’s successor to the OMG, YOU GUYS ARE THE NEXT SPAIN throne. The rumble between these two heavyweights will take place at Estádio Mineirão in Belo Horizonte, where it’s partly cloudy and 75 degrees of complete Fahrenheit. You’re on your own on the Celsius conversion. I don’t do Celsius. It’s genetic.